Remus Lupin the Cliche Slayer
by miss-blanche
Summary: Remus Lupin wakes up one morning to the frightening reality that is OOC Characters and cliché plotlines. As craziness ensues, he must find a way to set everything right at Hogwarts. A marauder parody.
1. Please Let it be the Drugs

**A/N This is something I wrote when I should have been updating my other series fics. _Whistles innocently. _It's all told from Remus' POV as he encounters the horrors of cliche fanfiction. I actually have a few of the cliches mentioned below in my own fics, but meh. I'm an Australian of irish descent. Laughing at myself comes naturally.**

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K Rowling. If I was, I'd have a lopsided mouth and be killing off characters like a mad woman. All I'm doing is making them OOC and putting them in cliche situations.**

* * *

**Chapter One - Please Let it be the Drugs**

Remus Lupin was exhausted. It was full moon in a week and he'd stayed up until three finishing an essay for Professor McGonagall. The last thing he wanted to hear was the annoyingly chirpy beep of his battered alarm clock.

With a sigh, his feet found the hard wood floor of his dormitory. Stretching, he looked around, expecting to see a fully dressed Peter, a snoring Sirius and a messy haired James.

He frowned.

Peter's bed appeared to be unused and his trunk was nowhere to be seen. James bed was unrecognizable; framed pictures of Lily were overflowing on the bedside table and there appeared to be a life size doll of Lily herself resting where James should have been.

Sirius' bed appeared to be occupied. Frowning and wondering if he was suffering from sort of mental illness, Remus walked over to it and pulled back the covers.

He jumped back in shock.

Two underwear clad girls were stirring slightly.

"Who are you?" Remus exclaimed.

"I'm Avrianna." The darker haired one said.

"What are you doing in Sirius' bed?" Remus cried. He wanted to ask why her name was so ridiculous too but was much too polite for that.

"Savouring the scent." She said with a seductive smile.

Remus gaped. What was wrong with him? Was he drunk?

He hit himself in the head.

Nope, not drunk. But he now had a head ache.

He raced down the stairs, hoping that maybe one of his three room mates could explain why the hell he was having hallucinations. Perhaps they'd slipped Blue Krazzaz crystal into his pumpkin juice again as a joke.

He was greeted with chaos. First years were cowering behind arm chairs and whimpering pathetically. A few older students were looking at the scene as if they were torn between running like weasels and shooting curses in all directions.

Remus gaped.

"JAMES POTTER!" She exploded. Her hair was on end. Her expression was livid.

Remus was torn between relief and terror. While he had appeared to have found one of his friends, he also appeared to be having another hallucination.

"Yes my sexy gorgeous, sexy, hot, sexy, beautiful, like, to die for, Evans?" James asked running his hand through his hair seductively. For effect he winked.

Remus blinked.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Lily roared, grabbing a text book and hurtling it at him savagely. The book missed by inches, resulting in another roar and a stormed exit form the common room.

"I knew she liked me." James said with a cheeky grin, running his hand through his hair. Again.

"James." Remus walked over to him tentatively. He felt extremely dizzy, "What the hell did you lot put in my drink last night?"

"Drink? Do you think Evans would like one?"

Remus shook his head, "James. What the ruddy hell is going on?"

"Huh? Oh you know. The me and Evans are so, like going to hook up plan, that's the hap man."

"James why are you talking like that?" Remus asked. He had many other questions that seemed more relevant, like what the antidote for insanity was and where Sirius or Peter were but James' speech was so impaired he felt it couldn't be held off.

"Because I'm crazy sexy. And a surfer. And a jock." He ran his hand through his hair and a few girls passing fainted.

"Where's Sirius?"

It was James turn to look confused. "Uh… Dude. He's in a broom cupboard, like, where else would he be?" He paused thoughtfully, "You know… Maybe Evans would like to-"

"Somehow, from that display." Remus issued the cowering first years, "I doubt it. Where's Peter?"

James looked confused, "Who are you talkin' about Mooney man?"

"Peter." Remus exclaimed. "Peter Pettigrew."

James shrugged, "I don't know who you're on about man but I've got to go stalk Lily now. Later."

Remus watched in complete bewilderment as James walked to the portrait hole, gave a brief hair ruffle to the delight of two attractive six years and disappeared.

Remus looked at his watch, figuring that after breakfast, if he had time, he might make a quick trip to the hospital wing.

* * *

Everything seemed quite normal in the corridors. There was perhaps, a little more snogging than there usually was, but otherwise everything seemed fine. 

With a sigh of relief he descended another set of stairs. Maybe when he got down to breakfast the hallucination might have worm off and he could yell at a perfectly in character James.

He stopped.

Was that, _giggling_?

He turned to face the broom cupboard he'd just passed. Yes, there was definitely giggling.

He approached it carefully. Maybe, it was just a first year hiding from a sixth year who'd just cast a tickling curse, or something…_innocent_, like that.

He opened the door and recoiled in horror.

Sirius black was half naked, and surrounded by seven, lacy underwear clad girls.

"Sirius what's going on?" Remus gasped.

"Mooney my man… And ladies." He shot a dazzling smile at two of the girls on his left and they died. Promptly. "Just playing a spot of strip poker… with the ladies."

"But… I… What… Ge… Meh… Keh?" Remus said feeling faint himself, "Padfoot, you put Krazzaz crystal in my drink last night and I'm hallucinating right?"

"Woah… Woah…" Sirius put up a hand to stop Remus from speaking and another girl died promptly at the sight of his totally ripped arm muscles, "I'm called sex god now. Right ladies?"

"Right." They all sighed.

"Oh yeah?" Remus asked lightly, "Since when?"

"Since like… Second year, when I lost my virginity on my twelfth birthday. To strippers. In a London Pub. Now if you'll excuse me." He said suavely standing, "I've got to deal my next hand." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and closed the door. Remus could still hear the giggling and figured he'd probably hear it in the back of his mind for the rest of his life. Taunting him.

He made his way to breakfast in a daze of panic. How much longer would he suffer from these hallucinations? Was this just a temporary thing? He was getting the sinking suspicion that it mightn't be. But he held onto the hope that it was just blue Krazzaz crystals which wore of quickly. _Please let it be the drugs, _he thought.

As he walked he noticed girls stopping and staring at him and whispering. He averted his glaze awkwardly and kept walking. If he ignored it, it would go away. That he was sure of.

He was stopped just outside the great hall by a blonde girl with perfect skin. And hair. And teeth, And body.

"My names Helenia. I was just wondering, if like, Sirius is over going to you know call me back?"

Remus' eyebrow disappeared high into his fringe, "Aren't phones a muggle invention?"

"What's your point?" She asked. She had quite the attitude. In fact, Remus realized after a moment that she had a rose tattoo on her hand. It really accentuated her perfect… Wrists.

"Well… When has Hogwarts ever had a telephone network?" He was sure now that his brain was boiling in his scull.

"Since 1935. I'm intelligent you know, and pretty, and I have lots of attitude and I can tell any guy where to stick it if they piss me off. And…" She paused meaningfully, "I have awesome comebacks for everything."

"Uh huh." Remus said his voice rather high. He excused himself politely and ignored the now frequent calls of; "Your Sirius' friend. Has he said anything about me?" "Does he like me?" "Did he get my gift?" "I'm going to slip poison into his juice if he doesn't take me to Hogsmeade next weekend!"

He practically ran into the great hall and barricaded himself under the Gryffindor table. He slapped himself again. And again. And again.

"LUPIN YOU LUNATIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHOES?!"

Remus stood quickly, hitting his head on the table sharply. When his vision came back into focus, he realized that Lily Evans was yelling at him.

"THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! FREAKING MARAUDERS! FUCK WANK BUGGER SHITTING ARSE HEADED HOLE, I HATE THEM!" She howled, "BUT I HATE POTTER MOST OF ALL!"

She cackled insanely.

Remus was on the verge of collapsing when Dumbledore tapped his Chardonnay class promptly. Remus immediately wondered why Dumbledore was drinking Chardonnay at seven in the morning, and why he was giggling merrily.

"Good morning Hogwarts." He said cheerfully, "I just wanted to remind you, that by order of the minister of Magic, and… well, me." He tipped his wizard hat with a giggle and met cheers, "that, James Potter is now in charge of the school."

This was met by thunderous applause. The entire Gryffindor table stood and cheered. Two boys, Remus had never acknowledged in his life hoisted James up onto their shoulders.

The only people not celebrating seemed to be the Slytherins (who has gotten horrendously bad looking over night, Remus noted) and Lily, who was weeping into her porridge.

"And that, instead of third period, there will be a social hour in the great hall where fire whiskey and other alcoholic beverages will be served."

More cheering.

"And that, a shipment of lemon drops will be arriving late this afternoon and no one should enter the third corridor and steal any of the stash because I will feed them to Hagrid's giant pet spider."

Everyone stopped cheering and looked at Dumbledore fearfully.

"Oh but of course." Dumbledore said looking mystical, "Nobody is supposed to know about Hagrid's giant pet spider for another nineteen years at least." He giggled at the mistake, "No harm done. Plot accuracy never bothered anyone before…" And with that he sat back down and popped a lemon drop in his mouth.

And with that, Remus fainted.

* * *

**So good? Okay? Average? Completely stupid and should never be updated again? Let me know via the pretty purple button. :D**


	2. Lets talk Emos, Marauderettes

**A/N I'm dead tired as I went to bed at four last night, I'm covered in bruises because my friends and I spent two hours tackling each other and the worst part is, I can't even blame the crappy quality of my writing on any of it because I wrote this chapter a few days ago. _Sighs. _Enjoy my regular stupidity anyway :)**

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**Chapter Two – Let's talk Emos, Marauderettes and Hallucinations **

_The rather hard and uncomfortable beds in the hospital wing were unusually comfortable post a nervous breakdown,_ Remus thought contentedly. Because that's what he'd suffered from. A nervous break down. There was no other explanation for what had happened that morning.

He stirred slightly and opened his eyes – normality was everywhere he looked. Two sick first years opposite him had purple spots and were moaning quietly, a fifth year was asleep his face scrunched up in obvious worry (probably suffering from stress, Remus mused) Madame Pomfrey was busying herself with some potions and Snape was beside him looking sullen and-

Remus blinked.

No. Snape didn't have eyeliner on.

He was seeing things.

He closed his eyes and looked around again. First years suffering from dragon pox? Normal. Fifth year suffering from stress? So normal it was pathetic. Madame Pomfrey busy? Normal. Snape sporting black hair with green streaks and wearing black and white sneakers and wearing eye liner?

Remus wanted to scream.

"What do you want half breed?" Snape asked pulling his dark hair over his left eye, _sullenly_.

Remus sighed. This had to be a dream. Except, thinking it was a dream meant it wasn't a dream

He hit himself.

Another head ache and another wonderful sounding explanation down the drain.

And Snape still had green streaks and eye liner.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Why are you here?" Remus asked tiredly.

Snape looked down at the bed sheets, "Potter and Black."

Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sirius and James were playing pranks on Snape? That meant they were doing something normal! Maybe they'd cursed Snape and that was why he had green hair and eye liner. Perhaps not all was lost after all.

"They played a prank?" Remus noted that it was probably the first time he'd ever mentioned Sirius and James' pranks with relief in his voice.

"No." Snape muttered darkly, "They're just so perfect that it makes me depressed. And angry. And depressed. So I banged my head up against the wall in one of my daily angst sessions and I damaged my frontal lobe. Now I'm more troubled and dark than ever."

He glared at the sun flowers next to his bed.

Remus shook his head, "I'm sorry, did you just say you were troubled?"

"Yeah." Suddenly Snape looked back at him, sadness in his sallow eyes, "Yeah that's right. I'm so troubled. And damaged. And broody." He took the vase next to him and took a bite of the yellow flowers promptly.

"And preps suck!" He said with his mouth full.

Remus gaped. What was a prep? And why did Snape have green hair? And eye liner? And why on earth was he wearing those kinds of sneakers? McGonagall would have a seizure at the sight of such blatant disregard for the rules.

Remus pushed aside his bed covers and raced out of the Hospital Wing.

_Okay_. He reasoned with himself. _Obviously, there are two explanations to all of this. _

"One." He said to himself, "I'm hallucinating due to Blue Krazzaz crystals in which case, I'll just have to wait through this whole thing while they wear off."

"Two," He said with a slight shake, "I'm not drunk because if I was I wouldn't be reasoning this out quite so well. I'm not dreaming because when you're dreaming you don't think you're dreaming and you don't feel anything and I have a smacking head ache." He took a deep breath, "And therefore the second explanation is that there is some evil cosmological magic happening."

He hoped to God that it was the first.

* * *

By the time he reached the Transfiguration classroom for second period, students were spilling out of their classrooms talking excitedly about the social hour in the Great Hall. Sighing, Remus glanced at his watch and realized that it was third period. He turned around and headed towards the Great Hall. What he had needed was a period with Professor McGonagall yelling at them all about the importance of NEWT's, not a completely ridiculous hallucination in which he socialized during third period.

"Remmie?"

He closed his eyes. Surely someone had not just addressed him as Remmie… Surely… Not.

He turned around. Before he could even take in the appearance of the girl that had just addressed him as 'Remmie' his lips were attacked savagely.

He drew away with shock and looked down. She was thin. She had brown hair. She had a short uniform, and she was smiling seductively.

He sighed.

"You're so sweet," She giggled, "You're not just interested in showing me off in public."

He didn't know what to say to that. He coughed lightly and then managed a quiet, "Hello."

"You're so cute!" She exclaimed, "That's what makes you so different to Sirius Black. Well I mean, you're not that different cos you're pretty good looking too but…"

Remus didn't hear the rest of her sentence. Good looking? When had he ever been in the same league as Sirius Black when it came to appearance?

"But anyway. I've got to go meet the rest of the Marauderettes."

Now he was listening.

"Marauderettes?" He choked.

"Yeah. Me, Lily and Jasmina."

"And, what qualifies you to be a Marauderette?" He asked, his voice bordering on glass breaking.

"You have to be dating a marauder silly." She said, "You're awfully blonde today." She giggled and fiddled with his collar.

He attempted a laugh but what came out was more a strangled yelp. If Lily hated the marauders, why on Earth would she be part of a group called the Marauderettes? Why hadn't he seen this girl around before if he was dating her? Why was her uniform so short? If Sirius had a girlfriend why had he been playing strip poker in a broom cupboard with seven girls that morning? Was one of them Jasmina? Why did all the Hogwarts girls have such strange names all of a sudden? He wanted to hit himself. _Because, Remus, you're having a hallucination. _

"Maybe, we could skive of sixth period today." She said suggestively undoing the top button of his shirt.

He yelped again.

"Maybe, I've got to go. Sirius is having trouble with his potions homework."

She looked at him strangely, "Sirius? Doing… School work?"

"I mean… He's looking after his pet snail."

"It died in second year. After he lost his virginity. To strippers. In a London Pub. And he began to shag everything in a skirt."

"His ferret?"

"I killed it in fifth year when he cheated on me with that Emo slut Jarianna."

"Hang on…" Remus said confused, "If you're Sirius' ex, why are you going out with me?"

Remus barely had time to mentally laugh at the irony that was this girl staring at him as if he was an idiot.

"Because there isn't _one _girl in this school that hasn't been out with him." She said her mouth gaping slightly.

"Even the first years?"

"Hello?!" She cried, "Were you not here when they replaced the sorting with the 'coming of age' ceremony."

Remus hoped to God that 'coming of age' didn't mean what he thought it meant.

"They're eleven!" He croaked.

"Yeah well…" She tossed her hair, "What kind of sex God doesn't take the virginity of innocent eleven year olds? It's a great time saver. He's only going to shag them when they get older anyway, especially if they've got a loaded rack."

Remus wanted to crawl into the fetal position and weep.

"So, you were saying where Sirius is?"

"Playing a prank?" Remus croaked automatically.

"Does it involve ladies' underwear?" She asked dubiously.

From what he'd just heard, he didn't really see any possibility of it not, "Yes."

"Oh." She looked satisfied, "That sounds…"

"Feasible?" Remus offered meekly. _Horribly feasible, it seems. _

"Whatever." She said with a slightly miffed sniff.

"I've got to go." He said quickly, she relented the hold on his collar reluctantly and he raced up the corridor. He couldn't stand this hallucination for a moment longer. He didn't care if Sirius and James got expelled from Hogwarts; he was going to Slughorn and telling him what had been slipped into his juice the previous night, and getting an antidote.

When he reached the potions classroom he almost fell to the floor with surprise. There were pictures of Lily everywhere. Remus wondered if the potions room was James' secret shrine, but then spotted Slughorn sporting a T-shirt with the slogan 'Evans does it best' and realized that it was just the result of Slughorn's blatant favouritism.

"Professor?" Remus inquired weakly.

"Lupin my boy!" Slughorn boomed cheerfully, "Not in the great hall for social hour?"

Remus glanced up at the infuriated looking Lily's and glanced back down again quickly, "No Professor. I was actually wondering if there's an antidote for the hallucinations caused by Blue Krazzaz crystals."

Slughorn's expression immediately turned serious, "Are you suffering from these hallucinations boy?"

"I fear I might be." Remus said with relief.

"Do you know for sure?" Slughorn asked, inspecting him closely.

"No, I mean, if I was hallucinating I wouldn't know would I?"

"And yet here you are. So you must think you're hallucinating."

"I hope I'm hallucinating." Remus muttered.

"Mmm…" Slughorn frowned, "Well there is a sure fire way to tell. Sit up here my boy."

Slughorn promptly picked Remus up like a doll and sat him on a desk.

"Now I'm going to perform a spell that will tell me whether you have ingested Blue Krazzaz crystals in the last twelve hours."

Remus frowned, a thought had just struck him, "But sir, if you're my hallucination, then I'm not really going to be tested am I? I'm just going to hallucinate it, so to speak."

"Mmm." Slughorn frowned again, "That is true my boy."

Remus sat on the desk top for a full three minutes while Slughorn thought. He didn't dare move in case it disturbed the Professor's train of thought.

"Aha!" Slughorn exclaimed, "I know! I will cast a spell that will immediately stop your hallucinations if you are having any."

"But sir…" Remus said now growing impatient, "Again, if you are my hallucination then the spell won't actually be cast, it will just be in my hallucination."

"Stop saying stupid things!" Slughorn snapped, "The spell is meant to be cast in the hallucination."

Remus had never heard of this spell but decided it was safer to go along with it anyway.

"Okay Professor." He sighed.

Slughorn cleared his throat and steadied his wand, "Alright boy, if nothing happens don't worry, it just means you weren't hallucinating…" He cleared his throat again, "Hallucinationus goodbyeus."

"Professor are you sure that's a real spell?"

"Yes." Slughorn boomed, "It is."

"But…" Remus started, "Surely not. I mean, you can't transform into a – let's say a dog – if you just say, 'transformus dogus.'"

Suddenly Slughorn disappeared. Remus looked around in panic; a rather dog like yelp echoed around the classroom.

Remus looked down and jumped.

A fat terrier sat at his feet.

"I didn't even have a wand!" Remus protested. "That's not possible!"

Slughorn reappeared in front of him, "Of course it's possible my boy. Why, you, Mr Black and Mr Potter don't even have to use wands when you're performing magic."

Remus gaped.

"But… Sir that defies the laws of…"

"But you three are the most brilliant, and most terrific, and most advanced spell casters the world has ever seen!" Slughorn yelled cheerfully.

"It's not logical!" Remus cried.

"Logic schmogic!" Slughorn said, positively beaming.

Remus sprinted out of the potions classroom and up several flights of stairs. He needed somewhere to hide… Anywhere…

_Broom Cupboard! Why are there suddenly so many broom cupboards around here?_

Remus flung open the broom cupboard in question and barricaded himself inside.

_Think Remus think! _

"Okay…" He reasoned again. "Two explanations. Except how the hell am I supposed to figure out if this is a hallucination or not? I mean, I could be trapped in this hallucination for years and it could equal twelve hours back in the real world."

He racked his brains and overturned every possible option.

"Okay…" He started again, "I know I'm not dreaming, because when you're dreaming, you're convinced that what's happening really is happening. So, that same logic should apply for hallucinations. Because if you're hallucinating, you're convinced that whatever is happening is really happening, so that means that if I think I'm hallucinating then I can't be hallucinating because I'm not convinced."

"That was really confusing." Someone squeaked.

Remus frowned… He knew that voice…

"Peter?!"

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**Coming soon to a cinema near you... The Peter story. **

**Thanks for the reviews guys! And, please, again, let me know if it's getting stupider :) **


	3. Alternate Universes and Alter Egos

**A/N My favourite chapter so far, including the ye old cliched ugly and ****disregarded**** Peter, the unexplained existence of the internet in a 1970's ****wizarding**** school, the strange occurrence of students walking into Dumbledore's office for mediocre problems (has anyone else noticed that or am I just insane? Don't answer that...) and it also pokes fun at the movie portrayals of Dumbledore.**

* * *

**Chapter Three - Alternate Universes and Alter Egos **

Remus grabbed his wand and whispered, "Lumos."

Nothing happened. Remus blinked and darkness still surrounded him. He tentatively raised his wand and whispered "Lightus?"

Light enveloped the space around him. Remus saw that the broom cupboard had been turned into a sleeping area. Peter's trunk lay in the corner and his ratty sleeping bag took up most of the space.

"Peter why are you living in here?"

Peter sighed and said in a very high squeaky voice (signaling that his voice hadn't broken yet, he was underdeveloped and sexually inexperienced and very, _very_ ugly), "Don't you remember? The sorting hat couldn't put me in a house. I was too much of a coward for Gryffindor, I didn't have enough 'tude for Slytherin, I wasn't nice enough for Hufflepuff and I definitely wasn't smart enough for Ravenclaw. So Dumbledore took me to his office and told me that I was a pathetic little rat and that everybody thought I deserved to live in a broom cupboard, so." He issued around him, "Here I am."

"But that's…" Remus struggled with the absurdity of Peter's story. "Absurd."

Peter shrugged, "Nobody likes me, so I guess it makes sense that I never associate with anyone."

Remus looked at him in shock, "How long have you been in this cupboard?"

"About seven years I suppose. The house elves are really nice. They sometimes send me up second helpings of pudding. Because as a pathetic ratty toe rag I need lots of fat to achieve the ultimate tubbiness. Am I talking too much? Do you think maybe I should stop talking?" Peter giggled nervously.

Remus ignored Peter's anxiousness and continued; "You don't come out for classes?"

"I'm not intelligent enough."

"Doesn't your family want you home for the holidays?"

"They were glad to get rid of me!" Peter squeaked brightly.

Remus gaped.

"What are you going on about hallucinations for?" Peter squeaked curiously.

"Oh uh… I thought I was having one."

"Why?"

"Because when I went to bed last night, you were living in the same dormitory as me, James didn't talk like an imbecile and own the school, Sirius wasn't playing strip poker with seven girls at once, Dumbledore wasn't a lemon drop/chardonnay fanatic, Lily didn't have a rage problem, the girls at Hogwarts had ordinary names like Jan and Cate, and I wasn't dating a Marauderette."

"And you don't think it's a hallucination?"

"Well…" Remus started, "It's kind of like, if you think you're crazy then you're not crazy isn't it? I think I'm crazy therefore I'm not crazy. Why? Do you think I'm wrong?"

"No." Peter squeaked, "I think you're right. It's an awfully elaborate hallucination if that's what it is. I mean, usually people only hallucinate bugs crawling up their arms and stuff like that."

"Right." Remus swallowed nervously, "So this isn't a hallucination. It's real."

"Maybe this is an alternate universe."

Remus didn't believe in Alternate Universes. The thought was ridiculous. It was however more appealing than evil cosmological magic, so he gave it some thought.

"The only problem is though," Remus thought out loud, "Is that it's not really alternate. I mean, it's just like; somebody's fiddled with the notch that holds everything together. Like they've turned everybody's personalities extreme or something. I mean, there are some things that are completely ridiculous." Remus conceded, "But, Lily never has anything nice to say to James, and James is popular, and Snape's life is rather depressing. And it's just like those things have been turned from kind of mild, to extreme."

"Again, you're not very articulate."

"Sorry, it's been a difficult day." He sighed, "If only we could talk to Dumbledore personally…"

"Why not?" Peter squeaked with a shrug that made his seventy rolls of fat jiggle harmoniously.

"Well, I don't know where his office is for a start."

"I do." Peter squeaked, "Everybody here does."

Remus blinked, "And you know how to get into it?"

"Sure… Except… He might spontaneously combust if I go, so you'd have to go alone."

Remus sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day.

"Alright Peter. How do I do this?"

* * *

The line outside Dumbledore's office took up the entire corridor. Remus eyed it warily. Knowing that his disastrous day was not the result of drugs didn't make him feel any better; in fact, knowing it was real made it so much worse. 

Lily seemed to be at the head of the line. She was tapping her foot impatiently, her brilliant green eyes flashing dangerously, "I HAVE TO SEE DUMBLEDORE NOW!"

Remus jumped in shock. Lily Evans was yelling at Professor McGonagall!

The Professor seized herself up, "Miss Evans, I will not tolerate such rudeness. You will have detention at seven this evening."

"Meh" Lily said with a shrug, examining her nails out of disinterest. It made her new and improved 'tude more noticeable.

"With Mr Potter and Mr Black."

Lily's lip trembled and for a moment Remus thought she was about to cry. Instead she opened her mouth and let out a blood curdling scream that made every person in the line run away in fear; "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Lily stormed away leaving Professor McGonagall unoccupied for Remus.

"Ah Mr Lupin," Maggie- Er… Professor McGonagall said sternly, "You need to see Professor Dumbledore?"

"Er yes."

"Do you know the password?"

"There's a password?"

"Well of course there's a password!" She exclaimed, "That Gargoyle is there for a reason you know! Not just anybody can walk in and get advice about their problems. He's not your best friend! I mean obviously if you're a special student who's going to save the entire wizarding world from Evil overlords he might make an exception, but otherwise, the student in question has to have a very serious problem, life threatening, and even then, the Professor is probably much too busy to deal with it anyway…"

The Professor's gaze lingered on Remus for just a moment too long; Remus frowned and began to ask if there was anything wrong when she burst out laughing.

"The look on your face!" She hit the desk a few times, "Ooh. What I would have given to have gotten that on Camera! And to put on Myspace! HAH!"

"What's Myspace?" Remus asked confused. He was worried about the Professor; that bent over laughing position couldn't have been good for her back.

"Remus?"

Remus turned at the sound of his name and came face to face with Albus Dumbledore.

"Professor Dumbledore? You're out here?" Remus asked now more confused than ever. "I thought you were in your office!"

"Alas Mr Lupin, that is the mischievous spirit of my alter ego, Michael Gambon. Please excuse poor Professor McGonagall. Alas she has spent too much time blocking proxy sites that allow the students to go on Myspace."

"MMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEE." She cackled

Professor Dumbledore led Remus gently past the stone Gargoyle (that appeared now to need no password) and up the stone staircase that led to his office. When the pair reached it, Dumbledore murmured softly, "Alas, we must enter quietly Master Lupin of the fifth generation of the Lupin clan, for we do not want to disturb Michael too much. Alas, he is very likely to crack."

Remus nodded, still confused at the prospect of two Dumbledores.

Dumbledore pushed the door open gently. Remus gasped in awe; he had never seen the Headmaster's study before and it was in a word, magnificent.

Suddenly though, Dumbledore forced him into the ground; "HARRYDIDYOUPUTYOURNAMEINTHEGOBLETOFFIRAHHH??????"

Remus stared at the old man who had just pinned him to the ground nimbly. A moment before hand he had been warning him about somebody named Michael and now he was pinning him to the ground and screaming?

"Now, now Michael." The old man muttered to himself, _wisely, _releasing Remus and standing,"There is no need for that."

"Need for what Richard?" Dumbledore barked in a much more severe voice, he then smiled bemusedly and said in a much calmer tone, "Lemon drop?"

Remus blinked.

"I SAID LEMON DROP BOY!"

"Yes…" Remus answered quickly, getting to his feet, "Yes that would be lovely."

Dumbledore smiled encouragingly and then muttered to himself again, "Now, now Michael, no need for that."

"SHUTUP RICHARD!" Dumbledore barked.

Remus' hope was draining in a similar fashion to the colour in his face. Albus Dumbledore was a lunatic and obviously didn't even know what day it was, let alone what to do when you were stuck in an alternate universe (he'd decided to call it an alternate Universe for lack of a better name).

"We mustn't tell him too much Michael." Dumbledore said to himself slowly as if it took great effort to draw out breath, "He is, alas, not ready."

"Tell him what?" Dumbledore asked with a raised eyebrow, he grinned and then said, "Goodnight!"

Remus cleared his throat, "Professor, I think I might be in an alternate Universe."

Dumbledore looked confused, "Reality?"

"Now, now Michael, remember what J.K told you… You have to-"

"Be wise, old and make the audience believe a world of magic really exists. I know!" The Michael ego huffed, folding his arms and pouting, "But honestly Richard, you do nothing with our personality! All you do is smile wisely and say alas!"

"But, alas, that _is_ our personality." Dumbledore explained to himself patiently.

"Well it's boring!" Dumbledore shouted, "What we need is a contemporary twist on things. Ooh I know… We're gay!"

"Alas, Michael, that is but a poor attempt at a contemporary twist."

"Whatever!" Dumbledore barked, he then sobered quickly and held out a lemon drop for Remus, who took it shakily and with a smile that suggested he wouldn't object to crawling under his covers and never coming out.

"Now…" Dumbledore began wisely, "Alas Remus, there is very little I can tell you, other than; things will run their course."

"You know what's happening to me then?"

"No Harry…" Dumbledore's tone sounded similar to the one he had used that morning, "I mean…" He shook his head, "Remus," He giggled at the mistake, "But there's always a silver otter in the pond of the sinking sand."

Remus gaped, "Uh… I didn't understand that metaphor."

"Alas, Remus, who understands poor Michael?" Dumbledore said kindly, "Alas, he often sounds ridiculous when he uses metaphors. Perhaps, Professor Trelawney could put it more eloquently?"

Dumbledore then reached for a silver remote Remus hadn't noticed before and pressed the single red button in the middle of it. Remus jumped as a series of metallic clicking noises filled the office.

"I love this part!" Dumbledore said joyously, popping a lemon drop in his mouth.

Out of Dumbledore's fireplace popped a human sized casket.

"Professor how does that work?"

"I've never known!" Dumbledore said with a cheerful shrug, "And it's probably too outrageous and ridiculous to explain, and even more so at one in the morning… But we love that thing I'll tell ya."

Remus was so numb by the absurdity of his day so far that the news it was one in the morning at twelve in the day barely resulted in an eye blink. The fact that Dumbledore was justifying a human sized casket popping out of his fireplace at the control of an electric device (that shouldn't have been working anyway) with the idea that it was one in the morning was equally horrifying, but Remus merely took a deep breath and counted to three. He didn't bother with ten – he was so shocked he wasn't sure he could manage counting that high.

The casket sprang open. A frazzled looking woman with outrageously large spectacles and extremely frizzled hair stepped out looking confused.

"Professor Trelawney!" Dumbledore greeted her with a clap, "Alas, we meet again."

She muttered something incoherent under her breath and then shot Remus a petrified glance. Remus chuckled mentally at the thought that he probably looked similar.

"Predict away Sybill!" Dumbledore barked, popping another lemon drop in his mouth.

"Professor Dumbledore, the inner eye cannot be called on demand-"

"ISAIDPREDICTWOMAN!" Dumbledore shouted and threw his freshly buttered lemon drops at her savagely.

"Yes Professor!" Trelawney said quickly. She turned towards Remus and she suddenly took on the appearance of someone who had just been hit by a mallet, "_Comes the one who shall abolish the evil world of out of character characters and clichéd plotlines! Here lies the one who shall be triumphant over the cur-sed Mary Sue! He shall conquer all when a witch from the future comes seeking answers. My mystical prophecy will prove to be true!"_

She said all of this in a voice so husky; Remus could barely understand what she was saying. He did however ask with a frown, "But I thought you said the inner eye could not be called on demand?"

"Did I?" She looked around the office, "Really? Seriously? Really? Goodness did I say that? Are you sure? Positive? Absolutely certain? Heavens, I said that? Oh my, Really?"

"YES!" Dumbledore barked.

"Oh well…" She looked very flustered, "In that case… I suppose the inner eye can be called on demand when it sees those who are truly great and worthy. And special. And talented. And brilliant. And the chosen one."

With that she pottered back to her casket and the fireplace reappeared.

"But sir…"

"That'll be all Remus!" Dumbledore said with a beaming smile. "You can take a lemon drop to eat on the way back to your next class which is… I believe… Charms? Am I correct? YOU MUST BE SURE BOY-"

But Remus didn't hear what he had to be sure of because he was halfway down the stone staircase.

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**I had so much fun writing that chapter... Oh god how I love the absurdity of Michael Gambon... Anyhowdles, please leave a review detailing where I can find a good shrink, and I'll be eternally happy. Tah.**


	4. Let's Talk House Segregation

**A/N I can feel my intelligence draining. I've just watched two minutes of Laguana Beach and I really would like my time back. I'm almost tempted to write some of the things they say in this parody but then I'd probably have trouble sleeping at night. Anyway, this chapter deals with the 'House Segregation' and that annoyingly frequent occurrence of every single house being in the same class (that really gets on my nerves). Those seem to be opposing themes but hey! Enjoy :)**

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**Chapter Four – Let's Talk House Segregation**

Remus walked past the still insanely cackling Professor only comforted by the fact that he now had one tiny incomprehensible shred of information; and that was that he was in a completely different world, with out of character characters, and, clichéd plotlines? What was that about?

And what had she meant when she'd said 'A girl from the future seeking answers?' Someone was coming from the future? That sounded awfully unlikely.

But then again, everything that had happened to him was awfully unlikely. Which, _alas_, made it seem very likely indeed.

He rounded a corner and came across two boys rolling around on the stone floor. Remus rolled his eyes and said in the most assertive tone he could manage; "Alright, cut it out. If you want to cast a tickling spell then go do it in a broom cupboard!"

The two boys stopped rolling and looked up at him with their eyebrows raised. It was then that Remus noticed that one had a bruised eye and the other was holding what appeared to be a pink skirt.

Remus gaped.

"He punched me first!" The one holding the skirt said accusatively.

"He stole my girlfriend's skirt!"

"She gave it to me!"

"No way dude."

"Way, dude."

" NO WAY DUDE."

"WAY DUDE!" The pair then quickly commenced more floor rolling leaving Remus wondering what had happened to the simple summoning charm and bat bogey hex.

He continued on and noticed that there was more snogging than ever. And all the girls had miniscule skirts. Had McGonagall not noticed or had she simply stopped caring what with all the proxy sites she was blocking? And what exactly was a proxy site anyway?

He entered the Charms classroom just in time for him to hear Professor Flitwick saying; "Now, levitation spells are rather simple if you understand the theory…"

Remus could stand it no longer, "Professor," He spoke up, "Didn't we learn about levitation spells in, uh, first year?"

"Yes."

"Well shouldn't we be doing more complex spells?"

"Curiously I can't think of any." Flitwick squeaked from his books. Because he never ever left that stance. Ever. "Besides. You'll all be too busy passing notes and whispering about what happened in social hour to be worried about what's going on in class."

There did seem to be quite a lot of whispering. Remus looked around the classroom and frowned.

There was an assortment or Ravenclaws, Slytherins, Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.

Remus was sure that his charms classes only consisted of Ravenclaws and Gryffindors, why were Hufflepuff and Slytherin there too?

His frown deepened. The classroom was only half full, many were absent; James and Sirius among them.

"Take a seat there next to Miss Kane and take out your books Mr Lupin – although, in all likelihood, you'll be too busy noticing Miss Kane for the first time, and how very pretty she is. And studious. Because you can't possibly like anyone who doesn't spend their entire life in the library."

Remus hurriedly took his seat and took out his books in the hope it might stop the Professor from ranting. It did somewhat, but Flitwick did continue muttering incoherently under his breath.

Miss Kane (more commonly known as Vivianna) turned towards him and he noticed that she like many of the other Hogwarts girls was very attractive. Where had all these girls come from anyway?

"Hi." He sighed in exhaustion.

"Hi." She said blushing deeply, averting her glaze to her books.

"Stop talking to her!"

Remus turned around and met the gaze of an angry Ravenclaw who was wearing thick rimmed black glasses and had suspiciously bucked teeth.

"It's alright Rick." Vivianna said softly, "He isn't bothering me."

_Rick?_

"Vivianna, you deserve the devotion of someone who shares your passionate interest in encyclopedias and unbelievably high intellectual quotient!"

She blushed deeply and averted her glaze again.

"Who wants to be a nerd when you can have a kick ass attitude?" A Slytherin with pale blonde hair asked resting his feet on the back of Rick's chair.

Remus stared at him in shock, "Lucius Malfoy?! You graduated years ago!"

Malfoy shrugged, "You got a problem with that? Saying I'm a shit head who can't graduate? Is that what you're saying, _punk_?! That I'm a fucking retard?"

"No." Remus muttered.

"Good because I'm fucking not. I just can't get out of this hell hole. Every time I try someone drags me back kicking and screaming… I'm twenty two shit head! You can't even count that high."

Remus quite agreed.

"Dude, at least he doesn't wear make up."

Remus looked over Lucius' head to see two Gryffindor boys who were in sixth year high fiving each other.

"This is a NEWT class." Remus said with a frown.

"So?"

Remus didn't bother replying. It obviously didn't matter.

"So he probably thinks it's stupid there are two different levels of magic in one classroom," A Hufflepuff explained. She shot Remus a warm smile and said, "Don't worry, I agree."

He felt almost comforted by the fact that, even though her top was dangerously low, she was still a normal human being.

Lucius Malfoy curled his upper lip in an ugly manner and replied "No one was talkin to you… Nice… Girl." He faltered lamely.

"Nice girl?" One of the Gryffindor boys asked with a laugh, "That's so lame."

"Yeah… Totally lame." The other agreed.

"Shut the hell up!" Malfoy roared, upending his desk. Professor Flitwick didn't seem to have noticed and continued teaching merrily.

Malfoy stormed out of the classroom, moodily flicking his blonde hair out of his eyes.

"He's troubled." The Hufflepuff girl explained empathetically.

"He's mentally impaired." Rick said looking the Hufflepuff down.

"No he's misunderstood." She argued.

"No he isn't." The Gryffindors piped in, "We understand him perfectly. His life sucks. Everything sucks. Everything is dark. Angst, angst, angst. He's twenty two, angst, angst, angst. Preps suck, angst, angst, angst…"

"Those who go under the name of "preps" are superficial and unintelligent-"

"They're just misunderstood." The Hufflepuff said again kindly.

Remus was saved the bother of finally finding out what these 'preps' were when the bell rang. He raised his eyebrow at the cliché of being saved by the bell and hurried out of the classroom.

"Mooney man!"

Having had this disturbing name charred into his subconscious that morning, Remus had no doubt as to who was being addressed. He turned and was greeted by James and Sirius who immediately resumed their conversation.

"So my tally is up to three hundred and forty four. And that's in the last hour. And that's not counting the two delightful second years under the Gryffindor table in the great hall."

"Evans so has to talk to me tonight in d. If she doesn't, I'm gunna be so bummed man."

"Ladies." Sirius said suavely waving at a group of girls to his left.

They all died on the spot. Madame Pomfrey came running and scooped their bodies up quickly, weeping silently for the many losses at the hands of Sirius Black…

"So what are we even in d for tonight?" Sirius asked, "It's seriously cutting into my shagging time. Ha, get it? Seriously? Like my name Sirius?"

"I don't get it." James said with a frown.

"My name is S-I-R-I-U-S. Like S-E-R-I-O-U-S. Seriously, get it?"

"Huh? Pad man what are you sayin'?"

"Never mind." Sirius muttered waving him off; as he did he spotted a group of sixth years, "Ooh… Duty calls." He wagged his tongue and undid the first button of his shirt (to reveal ear wax… CHEST HAIR PEOPLE!) And cruised over to them.

Remus watched in disgust as the girls attacked themselves to whatever bit of Sirius they could (One girl had his left foot) and promptly dragged him into a broom cupboard.

James shrugged, "Wish I was getting some from Evans." He ran his hand through his hair, "Quidditch seventh period. You there Mooney man?"

"Uh… Why would I be?" Remus asked weakly.

"Dude, you're on the team."

Remus gaped, "I'm terrible at Quidditch!"

"Dude… You're the best keeper Hogwarts has seen since like… Ever. I'm the best Chaser, and Sirius is the best beater… That's just how it works Mooney man."

Remus tried to remain steady on his feet. How could he fly that far off the ground without being sick? He shuddered.

"Not that there's any point practising." James said, "Because we're obviously too good for anyone else. And Slytherin suck. And even if they didn't, I'm the head of the school, so I could just demand they hand over the cup. But even so," He ran his hand through his hair, "Lily's gunna be there so I wanna let her see me doing my stuff."

Remus frowned, "Why would Lily be there?"

"Because then she can see me being sexy and we can hook up. Duh! What's with you Moon?"

"Moon?" Remus spluttered, "Next thing you know I'll be calling you bloody Prongy!"

"You do dude." James said looking confused.

"JAMES POTTER!"

Remus winced. The screaming of James name in such a banshee like manner could only mean one thing…

"Yes Evans?" James asked swinging around on one foot and running his hand through his hair and looking sexy… all at the same time.

"YOU'RE WALKING IN THIS CORRIDOR!"

"Is that a problem baby?"

"YES IT BLOODY IS!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE I HAVE TO WALK DOWN THIS CORRIDOR LATER TONIGHT AND I DON'T WANT YOUR FILTHY FOOTSTEPS ALL OVER IT! THAT'S WHY! NOW GET OUT OF HERE SO I CAN GO WHERE I WAS GOING!"

"Where? Why don't I walk you sexy?"

"PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!" She howled.

"If that's what you want honey."

"AVADA KEDRAVA!" Green light shot from Lily's wand at the speed of green light (in other words, really, really fast). Remus yelled, Lily snarled and James merely held up his hand and said, "Spell blockus."

"I gotta admit," James said, "That was sort of an anticlimax. I have a cure for that-"

Lily screamed in rage and flounced off, torturing a few first years with the Cruciatus curse when they didn't move out of her way fast enough.

"James…" Remus said slowly, "You just stopped the killing spell with your bare hand."

"So?"

"So?!" Remus spluttered, "So…"

But Remus stopped. In the middle of the corridor appeared to be what looked like a mini tornado. Remus looked at James for explanation, but he seemed just as perplexed.

Suddenly, in the place of the tornado, six teenagers stood looking completely confused.

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**Uh oh... What it could it be??? What could it be??! Oh the angst...**

**Melodrama aside, anyone who reviews this chapter can have a Sex God Sirius. I figure even it's a cliche, you can put him on your mantelpiece or something ;) **


	5. Not the time turner sub plot!

**A/N I'd like to thank Kim who reviewed a couple of chapters back and gave me the idea of Remus the 'Sue slayer.' The Buffyesque title got stuck in my head and consequently I'm thinking of changing the title of this fic to 'Remus Lupin the Cliche slayer.' It's not as good as 'Sue slayer' which was great, but I figure he slays cliches too, so I can't just say Sue :) Anyway, enjoy!**

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**Chapter Five – Not the time turner sub plot!**

Remus blinked, in front of him stood six Hogwarts students. Three boys and three girls. One boy looked almost exactly like James except he had Emerald green eyes (in case you missed that the first seven thousand times J.K Rowling stated it, EMERALD... GREEN... EYES!), one boy had flaming red hair and looked enraged, and the other had pale blonde hair and was wearing black sunglasses. He nodded at Remus in recognition.

Remus merely moved on to the girls.

One had frizzy brown hair and looked extremely confused. The one beside her had flaming red hair and lots of make up. The third, who had sandy blonde hair, looked rather bemused.

"Mya, did you take us back in time?"

"Ron would you please stop calling me that?"

"Why won't fucking Harry go out with me? I got a whole new 'tude."

"Go out with me instead Ginny, it'll cause Harry lots of angst and depression. Plus, I got cooler glasses."

"Mione? What's going on? There's a guy who looks just like me over there!"

Remus watched the six fighting and heard the soft thud that told him James had fainted next to him.

"Whoa? Is that Professor Lupin?"

The frizzy haired girl looked up in shock, "Professor Lupin? Oh thank goodness! I think something went terribly wrong with my time turner!"

Remus blinked, "Professor?"

"Oh… right. You're still a student here. Oh god! What have I done?" The frizzy haired girl cried. "I thought maybe if I took it back a few hours I could reverse it all but…"

"A few hours?" Remus spluttered, "You only have to turn it a couple of times to get it to go back a few hours! You've gone back years! How many times did you turn it?"

"Well…" She looked extremely embarrassed, "I was rather worried, so I thought I should turn it a few extra times... for good luck…"

"How is that even possible?" Remus cried, "You'd have to turn it thousands of times!"

"Well… As I said… I was worried, and distressed. And Ron was calling me Mya and… I…"

"But didn't you think it might take you back, a little too far?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Well, actually the thought never really crossed my mind." She looked confused, "Usually I'm not so scatterbrained."

"Yeah, usually you're a total brain." The red hair girl said with an eye roll.

"But I was distressed because everyone was acting so strangely and everything was so completely haywire…"

Something clicked in Remus' brain. _Girl from the future? _This was her.

He grabbed her by the arm and frog marched her away. Calls of 'Hey, he's kidnapping Mya!' 'Who fucking cares Harry? Why don't you care about me?' and 'Hey… Dude, this is Hogwarts in the past… Duuuuuuuudddddddddeeeeeeeeeee.' Could be heard echoing down the corridor.

When they reached the broom cupboard that Peter lived in Remus shoved her inside and closed it after him.

"Lumos," the girl whispered. Nothing happened.

"Lightus." Remus offered and like before the cupboard was illuminated brightly.

"Oh my god!" The girl shrieked, "Peter Pettigrew! Remus he betrayed the Potters! He's the reason they're dead!"

"Okay…" Remus said shakily, "Dumbledore is a raving lunatic with multiple personalities, Sirius is a freaking man whore, James is an air head, Peter is a thousand kilos and lives in a broom closet, every girl in this school is a freaking tart and everybody keeps using words like 'suck' and 'preps' and I have no idea what they mean, and now, six people have popped out of the future to tell me that the Potter's are DEAD?!"

The girl backed up against the wall and said tentatively, "You're having a bad day too then?"

"Bad day? Bad day? BAD DAY?!" Remus yelled, "I'm yelling at someone from the future in a broom cupboard! I DON'T YELL!"

"I know. It's one of the reasons why you were my favourite teacher. Well that and your lessons were always so interesting…" She caught a look at the expression on his face and said meekly, "Would you prefer if I kept comments about the future to myself?"

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded.

"Okay." She said, "Uh well… My name is Hermione. Hermione Granger. I'm a seventh year Gryffindor. I woke up this morning and everything was out of whack and-"

"Your friends were complete imbeciles and everything was royally-"

"OTT?"

Hermione and Remus both glared at Peter.

"Sorry." He squeaked, "Just thought I could help."

"Oh you've helped enough." Hermione snarled. She turned back to Remus; "You don't seem particularly surprised that I'm here."

"Yeah well…" Remus said weakly, "With the day I've had I wouldn't be surprised if there was a dragon taking a bath in the great lake."

"His name's Greggy." Peter squeaked excitedly, "When I was in first year crossing the great lake I got third degree burns. Greggy's the reason I don't have any legs!"

Remus gaped.

"It adds to my pathetic appeal." Peter said brightly.

Hermione merely glared and turned her attention back to Remus, "Anyway. I've never been in a situation like this before. The only thing I can really do is wait it out but that might unravel the very fabric of time and I don't want to be thirty by the time I get to my first birthday-"

"First things first." Remus muttered weakly, "How out of whack is everything? We'll discard the not talking about the future rule for a moment."

"Well…" Hermione frowned. "Would you mind if I began at the beginning?"

"That's usually a good place to start." Remus muttered pinching the bridge of his nose again.

"Well." She crossed her legs, "I woke up because my alarm clock was on – and that was the first thing that told me something was wrong. Because, an alarm clock is an electronic device and they don't work in Hogwarts do they?"

The question was not rhetorical but Remus ignored it anyway and beckoned for her to continue.

"Then, after I finished getting dressed – my uniform was a few inches short which I thought was strange – Ron greeted me with 'What up Mya?' and that was…" Hermione shuddered, "And then I realized that Harry and Ginny were standing on opposite sides of the common room yelling at each other – Ginny seemed to be crying about teen pregnancy or something – and nobody else seemed very concerned."

"And then?" Remus breathed.

"Well then I ran!" Hermione said in a quiet voice, "I went to Professor McGonagall for help but she was… Well she was muttering about Myspace and proxy sites."

"For interest," Remus interjected, "What is Myspace? And Proxy sites? And what do suck and prep mean?"

Hermione glanced at him nervously, "If I explain these concepts the fabric of time may be more damaged than it already is."

"Frankly," Remus said setting his jaw angrily," I don't CARE."

"Okay, okay." She said quickly, "Myspace is… Well, there's this muggle invention called the computer. And the computer has something called the World Wide Web. It works by a process of uploading and downloading… You're not understanding any of this are you?"

"Not really." He said honestly.

"Well I don't really know the technicalities of it." She said quickly, "But Myspace is like a… Imagine a book. You have a page in a book. The computer is the book and Myspace is the page. You with me?"

Remus nodded because the analogy probably wouldn't get any simpler.

"Okay… So, in the muggle world, students try and use the Myspace sites during class. Kind of like, reading a witch weekly magazine illegally in Potions you might say. You with me?"

"Yes." Remus said shakily.

"So, teachers block the sites. That's difficult to explain, but a proxy site basically lets you access the blocked site."

"When was the computer invented?" Remus asked weakly.

"Well… It's really rather difficult to say." Hermione said biting her lip, "The important thing is, Myspace was not around in this time, and the fact that a computer is a muggle invention, and that electronic devices aren't functional on Hogwarts' grounds, makes me think something is disastrously wrong here."

Remus wanted to dance around the broom cupboard singing as sarcastically as he could; "YA THINK?!"

Instead he said; "What's a prep?"

Hermione grinned; "They're superficial and mostly hang in the popular crowd."

Remus snorted, "That explains why Snape hates them so much."

"Snape?" Hermione cried.

Remus nodded gravely.

"You know, this might be a bad time to interrupt." Peter squeaked with a giggle that better suited a blonde haired five year old with large blue eyes, "But you're really pretty. Will you go out with me?"

Hermione looked at him wide eyed, "No!" She cried.

"Oh…" He said sadly. He then looked up quickly, "Remus?"

"Uh… Sorry Peter Mate. But no." Remus said, wanting to deposit his breakfast somewhere.

"Oh…" Peter looked downcast again, "That's funny because in lots of fan fiction you're… Well… You're gay okay?"

Remus blinked; "What in the world is _fan fiction_?"

Peter brightened considered, obviously glad for the attention; "Well," He squeaked, "its fiction written by fans. Usually it's just for fun and it's usually based on existing works that said fans like."

Remus tried to get his head around the concept of this fiction but was distracted by Peter's sudden clarity for explanation.

Hermione ignored Peter completely, "Remus, is there anything that you've seen today that might help us fix all this?"

He frowned, "Well… As you found out, McGonagall was too busy worrying about Myspace to be of any assistance. Dumbledore was more frightening than helpful… But… Well, Professor Trelawney, whoever she is, said I was going to… Banish Mary Sue's and get rid of clichéd plotlines and stuff…"

Hermione tutted, "Professor Trelawney. Huh! What does she know?" Suddenly she gasped, "Oh no!!! The fabric of time has been damaged! Professor Trelawney isn't meant to teach for another few years!"

"Forget the bloody fabric of time!" Remus shouted, "It's too complicated! Focus on what she told me."

"You know…" Peter squeaked pulling his finger from his nose, "Maybe, the world of fan fiction has some hand in all of this. Maybe things got out of hand on ff and because the fabric of time has been so severely damaged the two worlds began to intertwine…"

"English, please." Remus sighed. "I was born in 1960. I don't have a clue what that means. Though for some reason, today I get the feeling I'm supposed to."

"Well." Peter squeaked with a shrug, "Basically, you're living in the world of fan fiction."

Hermione's eyebrows furrowed, "That sounds awfully-"

"Unlikely?" Remus offered with an unamused chuckle, "Tell me about it."

"Alright." Hermione said with a sigh, "Let's say, hypothetically, that Pettigrew is right. If Trelawney told you that you have to banish Mary Sues and cliché plotlines (but I must say, the likelihood of that woman saying something even half way feasible is very low-)"

"Which makes it all the more likely," Remus sighed, "Continue."

"Then what could we possibly do to fix it anyway?" She finished wringing her hands; frustrated.

"You could destroy the internet." Peter said brightly, "Then I'd have legs. And I'd live in the dormitories. And I'd have friends!" He squeaked brightly, tears of joy rolling down his chubby pink cheeks.

"And you'd kill the Potters." Hermione said sadly, "But, that's destiny, and we can't mess with that."

She suddenly looked horrified, "I sounded too cliché. Oh what if I'm being sucked in?!" She turned to Remus wildly, "What do we do?!"

Remus shrugged, "The only thing I can think of is to try and tell everyone what they were like before. But that might not work. I've never been in this situation before." Be laughed bitterly, "That's for sure."

Suddenly, the door creaked eerily. Hermione Peter and Remus all looked up in shock, not knowing what to expect.

Severus Snape opened the doors wide and gave them a look of deepest loathing.

"This is the new shit." He said in a whisper, "Preps suck, and if helping you (as sucky and shitty as it is) stops them being so sucky and it makes my pathetic excuse of a life less dark and angsty and dark-"

He flicked his hair out of his eyes sullenly.

"I'll help you."

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**I know you all expected Neville (and it's probably more cliche than Malfoy) but I couldn't resist throwing him in instead because in so many fics he's so tragically troubled and hip. Giggles And Hermione didn't have the classic 'Summer make over' but let's face it, Remus needs a side kick and I'm so over laden with cliches I wanted to keep her a little canon. Besides, J.K is right, canon Hermione is such a good plot dump. :) **

**Anyway, anyone who reviews will receive a complimentary stressed out Remus and body oil. I'd suggest using the two together but you probably figured that out for yourselves ;) **


	6. Chapter 666

**Wow… Apparently coming up with parody plotlines really helps put you in the mood to solve mathematical induction questions. Before today I found it difficult to complete even one without having a mental breakdown and shouting at the inanimate textbook 'THAT MAKES NO BLOODY SENSE!", and after coming to this and writing like two lines, I went back and did twelve! Twelve!! In an hour. I'm so choked up with pride. And gratitude for this fic… So if anyone wanted to know how to do mathematical induction – try writing about emo Snape! Lol. I haven't updated this in ages, but finally I have a chapter! Yeah! I think the f-word appears seventy times. You have been warned. The writing is also rather shoddy. I thought maybe if this could inspire me to do mathematical induction then mathematical induction could inspire me to write this but... Apparently it doesn't work in reverse :) This will probably be the second last chapter, and I'll try and get the last one up soonish (but you know... don't think I've been hit by a bus if that's not for a month... lol) I'm taking off the consant use of A/N's today... here and in the fic... lol. I'm also poking fun at that stupid thing that appears in nearly every piece of fiction about someone siezing - the whole 'should I put my fingers in their mouth to stop them from swallowing their tongue?' (or was it biting their tongue?) Well they're both stupid. lol Anyway enjoy. :) And also, thank you to all my reviewers! :) You're all wonderful!**

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**Chapter Six Six Six**

"And reason number 666 why Ashlee Simpson sucks, and is a stupid prep-"

Remus was sure that there was a hole in his forehead from the amount of rubbing he'd exposed it too. He was also sure that if Snape didn't stop talking he was going to start crying. Remus wasn't one for crying, but it did seem like an attractive option at this point.

Hermione also looked distressed, but seemed too in fear of Snape to ask him to stop. Her reasoning for this had been; "It's to do with the future I'm not allowed to disclose."

"Hey loser." A sixth year Gryffindor saluted Snape and laughed loudly as he walked past.

"And that's the fucking six hundredth and sixty sixth person who's going to fucking pay for paying out emos!" Snape shouted angrily flicking his side fringe out of his eyes sullenly – (A/N I am so sick of writing that. Can we assume Snape CONTINUALLY flips his side fringe sullenly? Thanks, that saves time.)

"Er… Severus...?"

"The name is Metalindustrialpunkangstpunk!" Snape roared rounding on Remus, "Yeah what? We don't have any time to fuck around. I have a very important meeting with my razor at four."

"Well… Where are we going?"

"Somewhere dark… It used to be the hide out for all my dog collars... Fucking bitch stole it…" He spat, which made Hermione and Remus glance at each other in worry.

"Erm… Sorry Professor, but erm… Who is the.. um…?"

"Bitch?" Remus supplied.

"The one who's using the hide out for all my dog collars." Snape answered.

Remus stopped; "Is this the person who's going to stop what's happening?"

"No." Snape muttered shortly. He rounded a corner and Remus realized they were standing in front of a broom cupboard. "It's the person who's causing it all."

With a wave of horror Remus realized where they were.

"Oh god…" He whispered.

A couple of giggling girls emerged from the cupboard clad in bikinis. There were covered from head to toe in hickeys. Even their eyebrows had hickeys.

"Ooh is it emo beating time?" Sirius asked arrogantly, striding out of the cupboard.

Hermione's gasp was enough incentive for Remus' curiosity for him to turn around and stop covering his eyes. He knew once he had done that he had made a grave mistake.

It was not the first time he had seen Sirius naked; in second year he and James had often played games involving snatching each others towels and watching each other run all the way from the bathrooms to the dorms naked.

But that was back when the wizarding world had been devoid of 'Sirius the amazing sex god and his oh so Rory-esque manly bits." (**A/N Non Australians and aussies who do not watch bb will not understand the Rory-esque part of that phrase. But they sould understand the rest of it...)**

"Oh…" Hermione whimpered, blushing a deep red and turning slightly away from him.

Sirius appraised her for a moment and then said; "Not too bad. Could do with a hair straightening… Or a totally different cut. Kind of like the one Emma Watson has…"

He turned back to Snape.

"Yo Momma's so fat she has her own area code."

James appeared out of nowhere, Lily on his arm; "Good one Pad!"

He and Sirius shared an ecstatic high five.

Lily (who a moment ago had had the same expression as a two year old who has lost its favourite toy) stared open eyed at Sirius.

Or rather… Sirius'… manly… bits.

"Dude, come on!" James said noticing her expression, "Not again! You went out with her in sixth year! It was bad enough then man! You don't want to get into another punch up on the quad right?"

Sirius grinned and winked at Lily; "Huh what? Oh yeah… right… best mate's girl…" He turned and in the process revealed his perfectly sculpted buns.

Remus glanced at Lily and yelped in shock. She was seizing violently and beginning to foam at the mouth.

"James!" Remus cried, trying to catch his attention for he was too busy glaring at Snape (who was rocking back and forth in the corner slitting his wrists saying; 'Fucking Sirius… Fucking low self esteem… Fucking Mr 'MY BUNS ARE AS TIGHT AS EDWARD CULLEN'S'… Fucking…")

James jumped slightly and then caught sight of Lily convulsing.

"Mooney man what do we do?!" He exclaimed. "Should we try and stop her from swallowing her tongue?"

"Why does everyone always ask that?" Hermione muttered; "It's pretty obvious you don't stick your hand in the mouth of someone who's seizing. Unless you want to lose your fingers… Everybody knows that!"

"HERMIONE!" Remus shouted lying Lily on the floor gently, glancing around for possible dangers.

"Right…. Sorry." She said rushing to his side. "Remus we need to fix things now. Who knows how long it's going to take for her to stop seizing. And if she doesn't she'll die and never give birth to Harry and then Voldemort will be successful in his attempt in dominating the wizarding-"

"ENOUGH ABOUT THE BLOODY FUTURE!" Remus roared.

Everything went silent. Everyone stopped and looked at Remus in shock. A bird outside the window looked at him, its beak open slightly before it crashed into the window with frightening force.

"Okay… James, go get a stretcher from Madam Pomfrey… From what I've seen she has thousands. Snape, stop being an idiot and show us where we're going, Hermione we need to find the other five, and Sirius…"

He sighed; "Put some pants on."

* * *

Half an hour later, Lily was lying on the stretcher twitching slightly. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was pasty. Remus didn't know much about the 'Sirius Black disease' but he'd seen Madam Pomfrey picking up bodies earlier that day so he knew they only had limited time. James (who had become surprisingly helpful in the face of Lily's death) was bouncing up and down on he balls of his feet, eager to follow Snape to help. Hermione still wasn't back from finding the other five of her companions, Sirius (who now had pants but had refused to put on a shirt; "It'd be criminal to cover up this Edwardness dude!") was trying to indiscreetly wink at any girl who passed and Snape was staring sullenly at the wall, sighing every now and then.

Remus was sitting on the floor his back against the broom cupboard door trying to think of the last essay he'd been given by Slughorn. It had had something to do with a sleeping draught and the side effects. Mentally he picked out every book he would use in the library to complete it, and what sections of the books he would need to find the information. He listed any magazine articles he'd read recently on the subject and figured out what questions he was going to have to ask Lily to complete it.

He winced.

He had been trying to distract himself from the situation at hand.

The subject of his thoughts gave an awkward shudder and then fell motionless once more.

"Dude how long does it take to find five people in this school?! God!"

"Not long," Sirius said with a smile, winking discreetly at a couple of second years at the end of the corridor.

As if on cue, Remus heard the beginnings of what would soon be an ear splitting racket echoing down the corridor.

"She was goffic."

"She was an emo."

"She was a goth! I'm fucking telling you!"

"She was emo. Emo."

Remus rolled his eyes before closing them. The last thing he needed was to confront the five delusional teenagers.

Ah delusion! What an escape that would have been.

"We have a problem."

He opened his eyes cautiously. Hermione was towering over him with an expression of utmost worry on her face.

Behind her Sirius wolf whistled at Ginny, who also began to seize violently when she caught a glimpse of his face.

"Sirius, find a paper bag." Remus ordered.

"And do what with it Mooney man?"

"Put it on your head. And keep it there."

Sirius opened his mouth to argue but then caught sight of Harry's face – screwed up in obvious fury – and meekly complied.

"What now?" Remus asked in frustration.

"We can't find Luna."

"Luna?" He said in confusion.

"The blonde one." Hermione explained.

"The doped up one."

"Total nerd."

"Totally weird."

"Totally. Dude."

Remus wanted to find a pillow to scream in.

"Well dudes you have to find her!" James said, his ripped muscles showing through the tight navy t-shirt he'd donned for saving the world from morons like him; "We have to save Lily!"

"Well what about Ginny?" Harry exclaimed "She's seizing! We can't just leave her here!"

"She just called Luna a total nerd Harry; she's fine. She's standing right next to you." Hermione said.

"See?!" Ginny exclaimed, tears streaming down her face; "You don't even notice me! I can't take this Harry… I just can't do it anymore! That's it!! I'm going to go down seventeen bottles of tequila and sleep with like fifty people to piss you off!"

"Tequila? Sex? Count me in!" A paper bagged Sirius rushed into sight, grabbed Ginny's arm and pulled her into the broom cupboard forcefully.

Harry stared in horror; "Ginny how could you? He's my GODFATHER!"

"I slept with your evil illegitimate half brother too!" She screamed from the inside of the cupboard.

"What illegitimate half brother?" Harry asked. James shifted uncomfortably and started whistling innocently.

Harry turned to Ron in confusion, "Dude what does illegitimate mean?"

Ron was too busy looking at Gerard Way who was walking down the corridor.

"The lead… singer… of my chemical… Romance… Ohhhh!" Ron fled, waving his arms in the air in terror as he did. Ah he ALWAYS did.

"Ron!" Hermione cried, "Ron come back!"

"Hey Gerard." Snape said with a shrug.

"Hey Sev." Gerrard replied with a shrug,

"Rehearsal tonight?"

"Yep."

"I'll be there."

"Rehearsal for what?" Malfoy asked inspecting his nails ever so suavely, his sunglasses balanced perfectly on the bridge of his nose.

"Concert in the great gall. We have live music every Saturday night. Dumbledore brought it in when he was going through his Green Day stage."

"Hip."

"Will everyone shut up?" Remus exclaimed, "This is getting way out of hand! We need to fix this! There will be no live music!"

"No live music?" Malfoy muttered, "Well I'm out of here. If anyone asks for me, tell the mother fuckers that I'm shooting up in the cubes. Word."

"You can't leave!" Hermione cried shrilly, "If you leave we'll never get back… I…"

"We're running out of time…" Snape said darkly, "If we don't go now we'll be stuck in this hell hole for eternity. Just the same deep endless pit of despair and darkness…" His hand twitched towards the razor in his pocket.

"Okay… Well let's go." Remus said decisively.

"What about the others?" Hermione asked, "You waiting was a total waste if they're all gone."

"Harry's still here." Remus said nodding at him.

"I'm not going anywhere." Harry spat, "I'm waiting to beat the crap out of Sirius for sleeping with Ginny… "

"Urgh fine!" Hermione exclaimed, "If you get stuck in this warped version of Hogwarts forever it's your own fault."

* * *

Remus was beginning to worry.

Worry was something he was used to. His friends often told him that he was better friends with worry than he was with them and secretly he agreed.

They had been walking deeper and deeper into the forest for two hours. The canopy of the trees had long ago blanketed the sky from sight.

"Are we close yet?" James panted. Lily's lifeless and more lifeless looking by the minute body was being dragged behind him on the now completely ruined stretcher.

"I don't know." Snape answered shortly. "But I'm feeling more at home than ever in this dark, dark part of the forest." He flipped his side fringe.

"When will we know?" Hermione groaned. She had started the trek in front of Remus but had gradually fallen behind as they had progressed deeper into the forest. She was obviously not used to walking for hours on end with an emo, a prep, a lifeless psycho and a werewolf.

"We'll know." Snape said quietly.

They walked on in silence for a few more minutes. Hermione panting, Snape steady and inhuman in his resilience, James muttering gleefully to himself about what Lily would do for him once she woke up and learnt that he had saved her life and Remus growing more worried.

A shrill beep interrupted them all shrilly.

"What was that?" Hermione whispered fearfully.

"A beep?" Remus furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Ooh." James jumped gleefully, accidentally dropping his hold on Lily's stretcher letting her upper body fall to the ground with a thump, "It's my cell phone!"

Snape pushed past Remus and Hermione forcefully and halted in front of James, ducking his head and grinning evilly.

"And…?"

James pushed a few buttons on the shiny device eagerly.

"Ooh! Gossip girl just updated her blog!" He peered at the screen curiously, "The body of a gangly boy with smashed glasses and emerald green eyes was found on the quad. Apparently it was his girlfriend and not the guy he was threatening to kill for sleeping with his girlfriend, who staged the attack. Sirius Black was spotted making out with Alagesiautheraylil Gordythornerose Brown with a paper bag on his head… Allegedly, he can make out with a paper bag on his head because he's 'just that good…'"

He scrolled down.

"A sex tape of Dumbledore and McGonagall has been released on the internet by Professor Flitwick who was jealous of the union…"

He scrolled down further.

"… And Draco Malfoy broke it off with Haileyambergrettacoius after only five minutes."

He scrolled down further.

"X.O.X.O Gossip Girl." He said in a sing song voice.

Snape nodded, his smile growing.

"What are you smiling about emo?" James asked; "Some kid was attacked by his girlfriend. The whole emerald green eyes thing was so vague though... Wonder who it is..." He tapered off as he realised something more important was happening.

"We're here." Snape replied, and with that he turned and ran his long black fingernails across a tree trunk menacingly.

* * *

**Ooh! Snape scratching a bit of bark! Terrifying no?** **Reviewers get a paper bagged Sirius (but I highly recommend removing the paper bag ;), a protective James (who doesn't drop you on the ground when Gossip girl updates her blog :) and a stressed Remus who needs more calming... I'm running out of body oil... :)**


	7. On The Seventh Day

**A/N I'm going to do something I never do, I'm going to write a short author note the details the reason why I'm writing a short author note. Actually, I needn't bother because once you see the size of the chapter title you'll see I hardly need a chapter, let alone an author note :D This is also the last chapter which saddens me a bit but still... Enjoy it :)**

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**Chapter Seven – Some 'Bullet for my Valentine' inspired genius/In which a conclusion is not met because… the writer is a dick head and has thought up another cliché riddled plotline that is inevitably worse and more cliché ridden than the last one they thought up and is too busy writing that to bother finishing this properly/The Fizzling Finale (Maybe I should take that out.. Alliteration is actually a sound literary technique and sound literary techniques generally don't like being associated with these stories)/The chapter that is known solely for it's horrendously long chapter title that doesn't fit into the chapter jump bar above let alone in the documents on her/his/its account, infuriatingly enough for her/him/the devil, or for short (because like the Mary Sue in its contents it has trouble remembering its full name when it comes time to fill our papers and so therefore needs something easier to say (or write… whichever)): The ye old clichéd inconclusive conclusion.**

Remus jumped.

Yes that's right, he jumped. Because the author went to English for dummies this morning and learnt that every story should have a captivating beginning that… er… Captivates… the audience and makes them want to read on.

Too much cynicism... Right...

Okay… seriously…

Remus jumped. The tree Snape had just run his hand along was being swallowed by the ground and replaced with a human sized hole.

Well… A human size 0 hole.

"How are we supposed to fit through that?" Hermione gasped.

"Well if you'd paid attention to the letter Dumbledore sent out to students before the beginning of this year," Snape began in an acidic tone; "You'd have gone on holiday to America and had a make over there that immediately transformed you into a size 0 playboy bunny."

"And if you're a dude, you were supposed to stop eating for a while to add to the pathetic appeal, like the emo over there," James continued, "Or go to the gym every day and do weights so you can do this…"

He raised his arms over his head and struck a pose; his muscles rippled in the wind and Lily gave a little twitch and foamed from the mouth some more. Because even though James had glasses and was not as HOTT as Sirius Black, he could totally make girls foam at the mouth with his ripped arm muscles.

And then, he smashed the ground with his cement fists; the dirt around the hole shuddered and fell into the earth creating a space large enough for-

"Shame Peter's not here with us." Remus sighed.

"Who?" James asked, his sexy eyebrows furrowed in sexy bespectacled confusion.

"Never mind." Remus muttered.

It took a full half hour for everyone to crawl down the hole and into the dark tunnels below (except for Lily of course, who was lying on the forest floor above, foaming). By that point Remus was well and truly sick of the day.

Hermione seemed to be in agreement – muttering silently behind him as they walked deeper into the darkness. **(A/N Anyone want to wager a guess at who is Kurtz and who is Marlow in this parody? Anyone?)**

As they crept on Remus noticed something strange. On his left was an array of satanic styled paintings and wall hangings (mostly depicting Marilyn Manson holding some sort of dead animal – Snape's explanation) and on his right was a display of all things girly and techno.

Finally, they entered a small opening; they had been walking for hours. Well, they had been walking for what felt like hours, in actual fact, it had been 36.789867851 seconds (to 11 significant figures).

Suddenly Remus became aware of a sound – it was a horrible sound that was disjointed and foreign to his 1970 ears.

"Gotta love T-Pain." James said rocking his head up and down and pointing his middle finger towards the ground repetitively. Remus noted that with his ripped muscles he sort of looked like an ape.

"So you've finally figured it out?"

A smug Kristen Bell-like voice rang out and made them all turn to the centre of the small cave they had just entered. There, sitting on his throne like a good little overlord was…

"Oh no!" Hermione whimpered, "It's…"

"It's…"

"Lord Voldemort?" Remus guessed as he'd never seen him before in his life, "I'm right aren't I? To top the day off I've walked into Voldemort's underground lair, right?"

"Well… Yeah… That's pretty much it." Snape said with a shrug. He turned towards Voldemort broodily and said; "Listen biatch, you pissed me off when you took this place for my dog collars but you've gone far enough. You've gone too fucking far.."

"You know how he's making this happen?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Well duh." Voldemort said. His girly voice gave him a similar persona to that of one of the characters out of Priscilla Queen of the Desert… Except, British. "Originally he was in on it. Until all the preps turned against him."

Snape flipped his side fringe and Remus wondered how he hadn't by this point impaled his eye.

Voldemort sighed in a very bored way; "I guess I'll relay my evil scheme to you all, it's not like I have anything to do except update my blog."

He flipped his non existent blonde hair over his shoulder.

They all raised an eyebrow at him.

"Shut up. I'm getting extensions next month." He snapped touching his head self consciously, "EEEnyhow, so, one day, I was watching one of my daytime soaps when I started thinking about why I hadn't conquered Harry Potter yet…"

"Wait… that only happens in the future... how does that…?"

"Oh shut up fuzz ball. Nobody cares about the fabric of time except you."

Hermione bowed her head.

"As I was saying, I wondered why I hadn't conquered Harry Potter yet. I mean… Once I get my extensions my hair will be way better. And… like… What's so fucking good about him anyway? So, I realized that I was aiming my attack at the wrong age audience."

They all shot him another raised eyebrow.

"I did a stint in marketing at college okay? EEEnyhow, I realized that the kind of attacks I was staging were the kind you'd stage against like… Full grown wizards. I realized I needed to make an attack you'd make on a teenager. And… I got thinking, you know.. about peer pressure and all, and I realized if I started a totally addictive OMG blog that people would start acting like the people I talked about in my blog… And sure enough…"

"How does the land of fan fiction come into this?" Remus asked, thinking of Peter's theory.

"Peter told you right? OMG that guy is a little dirk. You shouldn't' trust him." Voldemort leaned forward as if to start a bitch session.

Remus stared back at him waiting for an answer.

"Right well… I needed inspiration on how real teens acted right? So I went on FF and they were running rampage in the Harry Potter section. It was all about sex and angst and preps suck and… Originally it was just that but… What good evil overlord doesn't cause division between teens by creating preps too, am I right?"

Nobody answered him so he pretended he was being rhetorical.

"Eventually, after talking about all these unreal people in my blog that were just like the ones on FF, everyone started acting waaaaayy out there… And now like… I can stage an attack and kill HP."

Voldemort smiled.

"No…" Snape said darkly, "You're not. We're staging our own attack… Right…."

"Now!" James said dramatically, raising his fists in a Keanu-Reeves-is-about-to-defy-the-laws-of-physics stance.

Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"Puhlease. You think I can be the Anti Christ, Gossip Girl, Voldemort all at the same time and can sit through the episode of the O.C where Marissa died and not be able to perform the killing curse?"

"Omg! How could you take that?! I broke down in tears man! It was so sad! Marissa was finally getting her life back on track and then… BAM! She's dead…" James broke down in sobs.

Voldemort rolled his eyes again; "Lucius, get this freak out of here."

A man in drag raced into the room and forcefully pulled James away ignoring his fruitless struggle. Lucius was the most talented death eater – he could rid the wizarding world of mudbloods and other worthless scum and do it in heels. As if James' struggling was effectual against his Queen-ness. Pfft.

"EEnyhow, as James was saying, BAM, she's dead. I was reminded of your current situation."

He turned to Remus.

"You first because you're the cutest after the freak that just left."

He raised his wand; "Avada Kedavra."

Everything around him slowed down. He could see the green curse spiraling towards him, he could see Hermione's mouth opening in shock – infuriatingly slow. But in his mind all that mattered was that girl… The one who had claimed to be his girlfriend that morning.

_Wonderful._ He thought. _I'm about to die and my last thought is that of some clichéd girl I've only ever met once. Just fucking wonderful._

It was then, in the moment before the curse hit him (still moving at about a millimeter per second – curious seeing as those things always seemed to be instantaneous in the actual books) that he remembered what he had seen James do that morning.

He moved his hand at the speed of green light… Or rather, light, seeing as green light was actually rather slow in near death experiences. Curiously. He barely registered what he was saying.

"Spell blockus."

He felt the force of the spell as it bounced off his hand and vanished into thin air. He didn't register his next movement either – the drawing of his wand.

And as if possessed he mouthed the words – "Overlord slayest."

Black light spiraled out of his wand so fast he barely saw it before it hit Voldemort with a formidable force. Voldemort's smug smile fell from his face and he adapted an expression of shock. He shuddered for a moment before he collapsed in a pile on the floor.

"I'm… melting." He shrieked before the pile of robes that once had been his body withered and disappeared.

And then Remus woke with a start, beads of sweat grouping on his forehead. He panted and took a minute to check that he was still alive. Yes both legs. Both arms. One er… Very important manly bit and one still secure head. He was still breathing and his heart was still beating (very fast).

He took a deep breath, and then sighed. It had been a dream after all. Apparently you could hit yourself in a dream, feel something and still be having one. He'd have to discuss it with the other marauders sometime.

He sat up and stretched experimentally. It felt good to be back in reality.

He pulled his curtain away from his four poster bed and looked over at Sirius' bed.

He pulled the curtain back in front of him.

There was NOT an underwear clad girl lying on Sirius' bed.

He was just reacting to the dream.

He pulled open his curtain,

She was still there, toying with Sirius' pillow boredly,

He raked the room with his eyes in horror. Only three beds (Peter's was missing) one of which had a girl on it, one of which was a shrine to Lily and…

He hit himself in the head. Hard.

Moments after, he heard someone that sounded remarkably like Miss Blanche Dubois say; "That's not good for you you know."

"Get out of my head!!" He shouted.

"Oh relax. I'm not actually in your head… It's more that you're trapped in mine and I can do whatever I want with you."

"Please…" He begged, "Please, I defeated Voldemort, why isn't everything normal now?!"

She snorted; "You think Buffy only slayed one vampire in her time? Wishful thinking. You didn't get rid of Lucius did you? Or that nasty piece of work; Bellatrix? Gossip Girl is a cult; you'll have to slay more villains than that to stop the power of the blog."

He stuttered; "Please… Please send me back to reality… I'll… I'll do anything. Just send me back to reality."

"That would require magic not existing sweetie," she explained, "And that's my world. Not yours."

"Please…" He pleaded.

She sighed; "Look. I'm tired and pissed off, I've failed two very important exams, lost items that add up to about eight hundred dollars in total and had a massive fight with my Dad. I don't have the energy to give you a better ending which is kind of the whole point of the story because it's meant to be a parody you know? It's meant to end in a clichéd 'I didn't think this out very well' way. You try doing that in this kind of emotional state."

He started weeping then. Clutching a hand full of his hair despairingly.

"Oh toughen up." She muttered, "J.K killed you off. At least I have the decency to let your life play out in some sappy Mills and Boon-esque fashion where you end up marrying that girl who sexually harassed you today and who has a long name that I haven't thought of yet. That's something right?"

Remus twitched.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

His no could be heard as a shot of his face was replaced by a shot of Hogwarts, and then a shot of England, and then a shot of Earth, and then a shot of some weird guys playing with marbles which Blanche suspects are meant to be universes (like at the end of Men In Black) with low pitched DUN's at the transitions to add dramatic effect.

THE END

* * *

**Reviewers get to cheer up a distraught Remus with my last batch of body oil. Yes the real reason I ended this is because I ran out of body oil :D I hope you enjoyed it because it was really fun to write :)**

**Blanche xx**


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